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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27385066">The only person that can kill the blood god is the blood god himself.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>DreamSMP, Sleepy Bois Inc, sbi - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood, Blood Loss, Don't Like Don't Read, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, No Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Technoblade-centric (Video Blogging RPF), im coping with my own problems, im so sorry, im sorry, im sorry for writing this i truly am, read the tags all the way please i dont wanna trigger anyone, referenced pill taking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:06:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,344</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27385066</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Read the tags.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clay | Dream &amp; Dave | Technoblade, Dave | Technoblade &amp; TommyInnit, Dave | Technoblade &amp; Wilbur Soot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>480</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The only person that can kill the blood god is the blood god himself.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Techno locked the door to this bathroom. It hadn’t been a good day. Tommy almost died under his care today while he was training the younger boy, all because of him. He pushed the boy too far, he should have known better. Now because of him, Tommy has a huge scar on his stomach from the stab wound. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Useless. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He sighs and takes off his shirt. He has no mirror, removed those out of his house a long time ago since the only thing they made him feel was pain, but he could still see the scars that riddled his arms. Both scars from fights and scars from other things.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Imperfect</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He ignores them and goes to take off his pants, leaving him half-naked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could have done better. Correction he </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> have done better. It doesn’t matter if Tommy took a potion and was okay afterwards, he needs to think before he acts. That was such a </span>
  <em>
    <span>stupid</span>
  </em>
  <span> move and he needs to get better. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He needs to be perfect</span>
  </em>
  <span>. what would everyone think if they knew that what happened to tommy was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his fault</span>
  </em>
  <span>? What would happen to his reputation? </span>
  <em>
    <span>What would Phil think?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He groans and sits down on the bathroom floor. He looks </span>
  <em>
    <span>pathetic</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The Blood God Reduced to a self-conscious and imperfect mess. He needs to be perfect at all times, all the pressure and all the people in his life have taught him that. After years and years of just spending sleepless nights thinking about it like a bitch he finally decided to do something about it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Said thing is what leads techno to go and pick up a box hidden in his bathroom.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>It's a small, very simple box. The size of techno’s hand. It’s pink in color to match the bathroom tiles and it has a little bow at the top.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To a normal person, </span>
  <em>
    <span>to the untrained eye</span>
  </em>
  <span>,  it just looks like one of those candle boxes white moms use to decorate bathrooms. </span>
  <em>
    <span>To techno,</span>
  </em>
  <span> It's the only thing that's keeping him in line. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He opens it up and inside is a razor. It’s incredible how such a small blade can do so much. How such a small blade can do such clean and precise cuts. How such a small blade can cause so much physical pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Techno thinks about everything he did wrong today. Thinks about all the mistakes he made, and he counts it as one cut. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he started doing this, he only counted mistakes in combat. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He was too slow</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He reacted too late</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  <em>
    <span> It’s his fault Skeppy got hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He should have swung his sword earlier</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But over time, he started counting for the</span>
  <em>
    <span> smallest </span>
  </em>
  <span>things. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s eating too much</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He talked too much</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He didn’t train enough</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This led him to make a lot of changes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like not </span>
  <em>
    <span>eating anymore</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Deeming it as not necessary and a thing that was only making him look bad. People didn’t expect bad from him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Or</span>
  <em>
    <span> not talking to anyone anymore.</span>
  </em>
  <span> People were a distraction. People didn’t expect him to get distracted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That's what he told himself as he trained alone. The less people he has contact with the better. The less people he’s in contact with the more perfect he can be, the less mistakes he will make.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The less people he will hurt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The less he will punish himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The more he will live up to people’s expectations. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He counts 15.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>15 things he did wrong that day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he thinks about them as he drags the blade across his skin, carefully making cuts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>1</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>2</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>3</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>4</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>5</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One at a time. Cut to cut. They’re precise, made in places where he knows that if anyone sees them they won’t be looked at with suspicion. His body is already riddled with scars, these are nothing compared to those.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>6</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>7</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>8</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>9</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>10</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears start spilling out uncontrollably. Another thing to count that is wrong. Technoblade doesn’t cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>11</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>12</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>13</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>14</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>15</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>16</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He puts the small blade and observes his work. Looks at the blood spewing out from the small wounds. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He needs to do better.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His body is like his own personal counter. All the scars count as a mistake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s a mistake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stays there for hours, and when he does stand up, it just makes him feel worse because he has to clean it all up. Has to clean up all the blood, all by himself. Feels like the walk of shame. Salt to the wound.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He does that ritual every day. Every day he makes mistakes and every day he ends up spending hours on the bathroom floor cutting himself. Every day he wonders if he’ll ever stop. If he’ll ever be perfect. He wonders why he’s even alive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This leads him to this very moment, right now. Sitting in his bathtub half-naked with the water running.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The water slowly turning a deeper shade of red by the second.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> He thought about today’s events. How exposed he was, how imperfect his techniques were. He was just training, just training with Dream and Phil and everyone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He disappointed all of them. Their faces said it all.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He made so many mistakes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>sloppy</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dream stabbed him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He broke Wilbur's Arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He wasn’t perfect.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Today was the last straw. He couldn’t go back from what happened. He hurt Wilbur, and on top of that he got himself hurt. It doesn’t matter if they just drank a regeneration potion and got okay within seconds, he still messed up big time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How could he go back from this?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He couldn’t.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He already had been pondering death for months. Thinking about how if he died he wouldn’t have to live the day where people realized he wasn’t as perfect as he thought. The day that people would see that the Blood God, the man that never did anything wrong and won every fight, was just a pathetic mess who depended on hurting himself to help him pretend to be perfect. The day everyone would give up on him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t lock the bathroom door that day. He hasn’t been locking it for weeks now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No one has come to his house in weeks now</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And yeah, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that was his fault</span>
  </em>
  <span> especially since he stopped talking to anyone,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So why does it hurt?</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The empty bottle of pills hitting the floor interrupts his thinking. He can’t move his head, he doesn’t have the willpower to do so. But he assumes the bottle is rolling on the floor right now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took those a little while ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn’t even remember what type of pills they were.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That doesn’t even matter anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn’t matter</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes start feeling droopy, his eyelids feeling heavier than before, and he welcomes it. He closes his eyes and welcomes the dark.He finally welcomes death. After years and years of escaping it.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<span>The only person that can kill the blood god </span>
  <em>
    <span>is the blood god himself.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. That’s his heartbeat.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Failure can be both bad and good sometimes.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>What?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He slowly opens his eyes, and he’s blinded by a bright light. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Where is he? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He looks down, he’s not in the bathtub.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s not in the bathtub.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s laying down on a bed with plain white sheets.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Plain white sheets?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looks to his right and observes the monitor making that noise. The monitor shows a line going up and down every second.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That’s his heartbeat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That's his heartbeat.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Be-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can’t hear anything anymore. It’s all radio static. The</span>
  <em>
    <span> one thing</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he had to do right, the </span>
  <em>
    <span>one thing</span>
  </em>
  <span> in life that he had to do perfectly to make it al stop didn’t work. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He heard someone mumble his name. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Was it Wilbur?</span>
  </em>
  <span> It sounded a bit like Wilbur. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But he wasn’t even sure.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tears start spilling out of his eyes, and for the first time </span>
  <em>
    <span>he doesn’t care</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He just doesn’t care</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why would he care? Everyone knew now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Everyone knew.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone knew he couldn’t even kill himself right.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm done. Thanks for reading ig. This was nice to write it took my mind off things for a bit.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm trying to cope with some of my own mental problems and experiences. Also I'm sorry of there where some grammar mistakes I only re-read it once.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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